Hold back Christmas a Day

I apologise again for updating on the iPad, this means I am unable to post photographs of yesterday's surprise Christmas present.

In November 04 when my future looked bleak and I was doing a wish list, walking with wolves was up there.   Indeed Gary and I joined  the wolf society which included a group walk with them.  I never got but it remained a dream.  

Yesterday, even though I was like death warmed up Christine, Lorraine and Natasha arrived, Chris was beaming and Said I have 3 surprises outside, 3 hybrid wolves were running around our Garden!  I just cried.  After they had exercised their legs, Rachael their Mam, who had driven up from Leicester that morning, brought them into the house.  They played, gave fusses and Rachael explained the breeding and history of each.  Jerry-Lee, (I will post pictures honest) looked the most wolf like, was my favourite.  I sat with them all on the floor, each one enjoying a fuss.

Unfortunately I received an email this evening, Jerry-Lee had taken ill and died today with inoperable cancer.  I have no words I can say.

I have to be honest when they left I was floored, the rest of the day I spent on the sofa.  We had dinner and watched TV, at 8 my body felt that terrible restriction start, I felt tight from chest to belly button.  We drained, wbich went differently.  The flow started fast, Bear came to sniff me and I lent forward, the flow halted, I leaned back but it just dripped, I could still feel fluid so I gently massaged my stomach, managing to get another 300 out.  It did give some relief but I still felt tight.  I wanted a natural nights sleep but now knew this would not happen.  At 10 I took a tamazepam and we waited for the effects to start.  Walking to the stairs left me breathless but by 11 we were upstairs and in bed.  Gary snuggled up to me and off we went to sleep.  The problem with tamazepam is it makes your mouth really dry.  I have this spray that makes instant salvia but during the night it isn't always easy to have it pointed in the right direction!  At 2 I needed to use it but then settled back down till just before 7.  Bear came upstairs and Gary asked him to settle, which he did, we both go up at 7.30, my chest was tight again, maybe because I had slept on my back again.  Moving on a morning seems to upset my organs that have found a comfy place for the night.  

I settled in the living room and honest I just didn't want to move, the pain wasn't sharp but more of a pulling, some one trying to part my ribs apart.  I sat there till nearly 9.30 and thought I had better get a shower, walking to the room took every bit of strength, no shower I had a wash.  I had just got my clothes on when the district nurse arrived.  She dressed and cleaned the pipe and we drained, discussed the big day and said our merry Christmas's.

Then the stair chair engineers arrived, followed a few minutes later by my MacMillan Nurse.  We discussed my breathing and the pains together with the small dose of injectable morphine that was given last week.  She said it should be higher, at least 30 an injection.  She rang my wonderful Dr J who then said he was calling out anyway.

He asked how I was and all I could say was awful, but awful due to chemo or awful due to cancer?

Poor Gary has been running round like a mad man, he wanted to finish up shopping but didn't want to leave me, he was constantly in an out with engineers so dogs didn't get out.  Then the phone rang, my own hairdressers have let me down, Liz contacted hers and arranged for some one to come, he would be with us within an hour.  

So at 3.30 our hairs were tidied up, thank God I feel so much better.  He left then the engineers wanted to show how the chair lift worked.  He said goodbye to them and said he was going to the butchers, my toe lady was due at 5 so I knew he would be back in time.  Oh no she was early!  I took my time walking to the front door and shouted for her to park on the front and use the front gate.  I slowly made my way to the office to open the door, you would have thought I had completed the marathon.  Poor Sam though, she is afraid of large dogs, due to her entrance I had no where to lock the dogs away, she needed access to the kitchen.  

She went in the kitchen and started filling a Bowl of water to soak my feet, just then Gary came back home.  Toes cut next appointment made she left.  

Poor Gary made a light bite for us then off he went to Tesco for a few bits.  He is now home and resting.  Christmas is a time when we both do certain jobs and other jobs together, however this year Gary has had to carry nearly all of them out on his own, sorry did I say nearly I did mean just about all!  

I don't know how I dare but I am so exhausted but getting comfortable is the hard part.  I dread the thought of sleep as waking just brings back pain from during the night, plus my insides have had that bile feeling again.  I just can't win at the moment.

I am leaving this entry here in the hope that many of you are in better shape than I am.  I do hope tomorrow I can finally post a Christmas Card to you all.

Post Title : Hold back Christmas a Day

Hold back Christmas a Day,


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