Nearly cried

Stepping out of the shower this morning I felt the anxiety of going nowhere overtake me.  I wanted to sob but wasn't able to because Bear bust my lip and sobbing stretched the bottom lip and broke it open, making it bleed.  See I can't even sob when I want to without something going wrong.
My stomach seems to have grown a little bit more again, Prof Murphy gave me a good examination last night.  My legs are holding some fluid, but not a lot.  My pericardium fluid he doesn't seem concerned about at the moment, which is a relief, and the best news was at the moment the amount would not stop me from flying.
He did mention the fluid in the right lung and the progression of the cancer, the ecg looks the same as before, no further damage and at the moment the excess fluid isn't attributed to the heart's right ventricle not working.  But we know where the fluid is coming from, meso has extended its nasty seeds and entered the abdomen.
I was going to go into work today but my eye's are playing up terribly, with glasses I can't see the screen very well, without I am squinting.  I doubt having an eye test at the moment would do much good because once the growth stops my eyes will change again, or at least they have in the past.
I can only hope something will come from my meeting with the oncologist on Monday, although I don't want chemo until September (mind that's a big hope as be may still refuse treatment) I don't want this big stomach.  If it grows daily maybe if they take it back to ground zero first then by the time I am on holiday it may not have extended too far, along with the help of some tablets.
So I am heading out into the garden, I have my back man tonight and I pray that he can at least fix that problem, one less thing on my mind and one less thing causing my poor body problems.
By the way, breathing is harder when you have this lump sticking out, whether it causes pressure because of its size or whether the fluid is inside too I don't know.  All I do know is deep breaths aren't something I want to do today.
A good piece of news though, Mavis has had good results on the Gem - carbo treatment, Tess has also had wonderful results on her alimta - carbo but I know many are out there struggling at this moment.  A dear meso circle friend is in hospital at the moment with the same thing I have, although I fear her condition is a lot worse than my own.  Please send thoughts out to Mrs Chris.

Post Title : Nearly cried

Nearly cried,

Nearly cried


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