Morphine Fall Out

I don't know how I could forget to take my morning morphine tablets but I must have just overlooked the fact.  I did get up late, which never helps, and then by the time I showered and decided not to go into work, it was Saturday, I was on a different thought band.  I must have gone into the tablet box, taken out one and forgot the rest!
The symptoms, very much like my adrenalin rushes, my body was hot and cold, one minute I wanted a blanket over me, the next I was throwing it off in anger.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with myself or put myself.  I was tired so I had a nap, waking up I felt much worse.  Bear came and laid in the lounge with me, even with the heating on at 20, poor boy was panting but wouldn't go out.  By 5 I couldn't stand my own company, my thoughts were not good, you know the ones "why put myself through chemo to feel crap, am I always going to feel like this, I'm only postponing the inevitable" those awful thoughts we go through. 

At one point I even got on the floor and cuddled up next to Bear, although he is much bigger than I, and yes I did nod off for a few moments!

I took a tamezapam and that knocked me out, at least for a while, I woke up to Merlin and watched a little tv.  The kitchen was cold so hubby got my evening tablets, another tam just to ensure I got back to sleep and off I went to bed.  Although all last week I have had night sweats, they were bad that night.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling fresh, went downstairs opened my tablet box and realised that I hadn't taken yesterdays morphine, so I had a morphine fall out, but I couldn't understand how I had taken my pregab and hormone.  At least the sun was shining and out we went with the dogs over the field.  I felt alive again, positivity flowed through my veins and I enjoyed the day.  Taking a few shots of the dogs and hubby marching out across the damp fields.
Then heyho I wake up this morning and feel crap again! I hate this cancer, no two days are the same.  My chest was tight and my legs feel heavy.  I worked till 2.30 and have come home, I have brought some work home to do but find I can't concentrate on it!

On a bright note my lung nurse has emailed with a date for the oncologist, next Monday.  I can only hope that the Alimta will work although I don't like the thought of the side effects.  Poor Steve (Doing Something Positive) is not having a pleasant time and ended up in hospital on day 6.  Just the thought of reliving what I went through in both 04 and 07 haunts me, and that's just the needle going in.  I know we are good at forgetting at how bad we felt, like my operation I can barely remember the pain of it all, but chemo is a different monster.  I can still remember those days when my stomach felt like it was a mush and even water touching my insides brought on great pain.  I guess I could say at least I am going into this one healthier than the last times, as I'm fit in other ways.

My heart, I nearly forgot, I have no further damage to it from what had already occurred in 09 after my heart failure episodes, he can't understand what happened the other week, I did see the small amount of fluid and the thickening on the pericardium but to be honest it isn't touching the heart as yet, as yet - that makes it sound ok doesn't it!  Nevertheless, he will keep an eye on the fluid.  I asked if he knew any good surgeons willing to cut out the cancer but I got a blank look, not sure whether a cardiologist is a surgeon so I could have put my foot in it there!  My heart is strong, although lopsided and damaged and of course cancer growing around it, always good to know it can still pump blood.  What an ugly organ inside, I had visions of aliens inside me when I watched the screen.

Enough of me for one day, although I wish I could find a way to ensure all hospital oncology departments could be satellite drug trial stations, its annoying that if you want to try a drug you have to travel all over the country.  We need to be able to get our hands on more chemotherapies, especially as alimta only works on 40%.  There's another thing too, we need to show that meso doesn't just affect the elderly it is a disease that is affecting more and more younger people, I think that drug companies and oncology departments aren't prepared to take that extra step because being old isn't worth their while, I know that's wrong, but that's what I think! 
I hope that those on treatments aren't suffering too badly and that Steve is getting back on his feet, I wonder how Helen is doing as well as several others.  One thing I have learnt, St Barts are willing to try a mixture called IPM, why isn't that countrywide either!
Poison is no fun but its better than dying, but I would still prefer to have some more cryoablation on a few of my larger growths.

Post Title : Morphine Fall Out

Morphine Fall Out,

Morphine Fall Out


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